Hello everybody! And welcome back to “Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos”! Where we’re- *Kim Possible Ring Tone Plays* Hold on. Yeah? *Inaudible mumbling from phone* What do you mean? *person on the phone speaking again* That’s stupid. *Person turns into Godzilla* O- okay! Ge- Okay, the higher-ups have called, haha… Our SPONSORS have told us that The show can no longer use the term ‘l****’, umm. I’m even gonna get sued just for saying it here, right now. So, they came up with a new term. A new term- Our new slogan for the show is- This is our new phrase for the show.. *unimpressed clap* Super funny… I mean, yes! I love it. Come on, say it with me! *Jack makes fart noises from effort because he hates this* Bi-… L A U G H Ya can’t keep us down from laughing on this show! This is “Jacksepticeye’s ‘𝘍𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘦𝘴𝘵’ Home Videos”! Not Jacksepticeye’s Old Lady Bingo Hour. Okay, we’re here for the laughs! We’re here to have fun! We’re here… …to look at more products, ’cause they’re the funniest things to react to and everyone seems to like them more than anything else I do on this show. So, I’m gonna react to more silly products again, okay? SHUT UP, my elves went out and got them Okay?? My elves have been gone for a while! We haven’t seen them for like two weeks and then they finally come back and they’re like: “Oh, we just got more of the same cause you didn’t tell us what to get” So some of it is kind of on me. So- shut UP! (Infomercial) “Everyone loves butter!” Okay, we’re like two seconds into this and they’re already accusing me. They’re already labeling everyone- They’re already generalizing everybody. “Everybody loves butter. Don’t you, fatass?” “But getting it out of the fridge, out of the wrap, and onto your-” *Butter destroys building. Butter did 9/11, CoNfIrMeD.* Come on! No one does that. What kind of fucking dry piece of Earth that you’re trying to put -butter- on. Good Lor-I just- I’m trying but- the fucking- BAH! Damn it all! (Infomercial) “Introducing EZ butter, the fast, easy and safe way to cut-” Jack: HELL YES!
“your butter everyday” Infomercial kid: “That’s totally awesome” Jack: That actually is awesome. Infomercial dad: “That is amazing.” Voice over: “Just open the top slide in your butter or margarine and give a simple click.” Oh, man. It’s gonna make dinner time and bedroom time a whole lot easier. If you want some lube for those mashed potaters just go on up and EZ butter your asshole baby. It’s time to get wild. I also love that they’re sitting around the kitchen table and they’re just like *click noise* Wow, that’s great. You use it now dad *click noise* That’s awesome! We’re a real family and not paid aCTORRSS! (Voice over) “With a perfect pat size everytime- guaranteed. So you’ll never have to take out the knife and the greasy butter dish-” Jack: Not ye- Oh God- LOO- OHH..Look at that! Somebody already had the butter up their ass! And they tried to put it back at the kitchen table to pretend like no one knew but mMmMm, I can smell it. That’s wrong! Also, I thought the problem was that the putting the butter ONTO the bread was the issue you were a fucking idiot you broke everything. Getting the butter out of the container wasn’t the problem. For that one, at least. (Voice over) “Just squeeze and you prep your pans in seconds! And that makes it super for sandwiches, perfect for potatoes-” Jack: Wow. “Great on your greens-” Okay, if you’re gonna be eating your greens anyway, please do not slather your greens in butter. If you’re gonna be eating the greens, eat the greens. They’re delicious on their own. They’re gonna make you feel good and healthy, please don’t slather them in butter. We already have an overweight problem in this world. Come on, EZ butter! (Voice over) “And only EZ butter has a built-in measuring system with exactly four slices per tablespoon. So, it’s great for baking!” Jack: I…Don’t know what that means. “…as your kitchen stays cleaner.”
Jack: 4 slices per tablespoon? “…EZ Butter goes right back into your fridge until next time.” Jack: Whoo, I can’t wait to butter my muffins! Wait, that sounds weirdly sexual.
*laughs adorably* “And kids absolutely love it.” Infomercial kid: “I LOVE BUTTER!” *Jack laughs his ass off * I love butter, Dad! Can’t squeeze it myself because of my stupid baby hands, but I love butter! (Voice over) “So stop the overcut, the undercut, the knife stickers.” Jack: Just make it stop! (Voice over) the Crumb Flicker Make it stop! Make this butter monstrosity end (Jack, in dramatic movie voice)
Coming soon to a theater near you- THE BUTTERNING: Half a Slice (Normal Jack)
or actually four slices per tablespoon. “Just enjoy the simple pleasure of having a perfectly measured pat of butter every time.” Just enjoy the simple pleasure of a heart attack. *devolves into giggling* THE BUTTERNING… …I can get double fat for ten dollars? Why would you even put it on anything? You guys are all missing the point of this thing Why are you squeezing it onto your food and squeezing it onto a pan? If I had that bad butter boy. I would just be- squeezing it into my mouth. Just hook the butter straight to my veins, because, apparently- “everyone loves butter!” “I love B U T T E R” “Here’s how to order!” Okay. … [Awkward silences, amirite? Heh…] I didn’t see how to order. You just took the butter and left! “Here’s how to order!” Jack mocking: Just dial 1-800 cellulite and you can get yours today. Two for the price $10. That’s an easy price to pay and it doesn’t matter if you lose the $10, ’cause you’re gonna be dead in a week anyway from all the EZ butter you’re gonna eat. But just in case that wasn’t enough. Just in case EZ Butter wasn’t easy enough, now we’re going to show you an easier way to eat your bacon as well, okay? *EXTREME BACON WAVE MUSIC* FUCKIN’ HELL! That legitimately got me. Oh my god. *chuckles* (Voice over) “Love the mouth-watering taste of delicious perfectly cooked bacon, but hate all the-” (Jack: That dude’s face. ) “-unhealthy fat and grease?” How are people cooking their fucking food? How do people stick their knife in jam and then go straight to the butter and be like ‘Oh, well now my butter’s all ruined.’ Get that shit off! The mountain of oil that you’re cooking your bacon in.. Of course it’s going to turn out like shit. Just like your lower intestine. (Voive over) ‘Yuck. Then you need the original Bacon Wave.” Wow. “The amazing product that makes perfectly cooked bacon right in your microwave in just minutes! Bacon Wave is your answer to delicious mouth waterin-”
Jack: Oh, get that bacon. “with less fat and grease. Less cholesterol and less calories.” I mean, yea- sure… It’s like a George Foreman microwave type of thing where it’s going to catch the oil and the grease and everything that’s going to fall out of the bacon. You’re still eating bacon. Okay? You’re still eating bacon, and it’s not the healthiest for you. “Bacon Wave does all the work, giving you perfectly prepared crisp tasty bacon every time.” That’s not true. Okay? The Bacon Wave is not doing all the work. That microwave deserves some credit. Okay? Can we get the credits to roll right now? All microwave. The microwave did everything, okay? Written and directed and starring, lighting, and makeup all done by the microwave Bacon Wave- all it did was star in it. (Voice over) “Bacon Wave is also stackable, so yo-” Oh my god, it’s also stackable so I can have 24 slices of bacon in my… Can I- Can I double it up again? Can I put even more on that? Can I get 48 slices of bacon all on top of one another? “-cook up to 28 pieces at a time-”
Jack: 28?! Jesus! I can’t math! “-and the fat and grease drips into the lower pan away from your bacon.”
Jack: Ew. “Bacon Wave fits into any microwave and it’s patented design prevents curling and breakage.” Jack: If there’s one thing I hate about my bacon. If there’s one thing that every time I make a big old breaky-fast is that I hate that my bacon bends. I do not want bent bacon, okay? I want crispy sawdust bacon that has no oil going into it whatsoever, so it just comes out like charcoal. That’s what I want. And the Bacon Wave can do that for me. I can just put a stack o’ fucking 28 of those bitches on top of one another and I got good bacon. I also got a health problem, with all this butter- If I mix the EZ Butter with this I can have a meal that will last me the rest of my life. ’cause it’ll kill me. (Voice over) “Bacon Wave is made of durable, temperature-safe plastic.” Jack: Heh- I fuckin’ love bacon! “But wait,”
Jack: Wait, wait ??? “now and you’ll also get the Egg n’ Omelette Wave f r e e. You just pay processing and handling. The Egg n’ Omelette Wave makes perfect eggs, and omelettes-” No. Fuckin’. WAY! All this time you were- this commercial’s for Bacon Wave and you’re telling me you have an Egg n’ Omelette Wave as well?! If you order the bacon wave now the bacon waves are back. If I eat all that EZ butter, it’s gonna make life way too easy. It’s right there in the title. It’s EZ Butter. If I get that I’m gonna have too much butter for myself and I’m gonna have too much bacon. I’m just gonna be a bacon making machine after I get that thing. People’ll come in and be like “What are you doing?” Oh, I’m makin’ bacon! That’s just gonna be my thing. And if I eat that much bacon and I eat that much butter, you know, I’m not gonna be able to do? *wapooshes whiteboard*
L A U G H (Vince) “Hi, it’s Vince with Slap Chop! You’re gonna be in a great mood all day ’cause you’re gonna be slapping your troubles away with a Slap Chop. Now look, here’s a potato.”
Jack: Okay, okay. *O N E S L A P * Jack: FUCKIN’ HELL! *T W O S L A P S * ‘Home fries. And it’s-‘ Jack: Jesus Christ ‘Ya add a mushroom, the more you do it, the finer-‘ Jack: What the- STOP! *S O M A N Y S L A P S* WHAT THE F U C K IS HAPPENING?! Holy mother of God, I can’t even remember your name. Vince, was it? Vin- Vince is out here, abusing food, okay? Have you seen this man? Have you seen Vince? He was last seen.. ..molesting a mushroom and a potato. Okay? If you have any knowledge of his whereabouts, please call 1-800… EZ Breezy Bacon Boy. (Vince) “You love salad, you hate making it.” How dare you assume what I… do and do not like? I mean.. Just because that’s true- ‘Watch this, one slap- Salad! I love pizza too, but once in a while-” VINCE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! From one energetic, fast-talking loudmouth to another: slow the fuck down, okay? It’s like.. You love salad, don’t you bitch? There you go. Salad is made for ya. You love pizza? You can make pizza all you want. Look at this. Potato? BAM. You like a mushroom? PSSH Who cares about anything?! Slap the shit out of the world! ‘Cause all your problems are gonna go away when you have that Slap Chop! Out of breath after that- ‘s probably from all the fucking bacon wave I’ve been eating “*𝑶𝑵𝑬 𝑺𝑳𝑨𝑷* YA GOT *𝑻𝑾𝑶 𝑺𝑳𝑨𝑷𝑺*, home fries.” (Jack: Jesus Chr-) ” The more you do it *literal gunshots*” Jack: Fuckin’ hell. “This thing? This tuna? It looks *boring*
(Jack: Oh, don’t.)
“I’m having a boring tuna, so I’m having a boring life.” Oh, is Vince gonna slap the ass of that tuna? Is he gonna slap the shit out of this and put it all over the- You’re just making a mess at this point, Vince. “-put it like this-”
(Jack: No.. Is he..)
“-you’re gonna have a nice… tuna… salad… Look at this!” A nice *sniff* tuna *sniff* salad. You know what he did? He ate the rest of that tuna when he took it off camera. “You can have an exciting life. Now. Look here’s a hard-boiled egg,” JESUS CHRIST. “ONE CHOP. Ya add the pickle, ya add the green onions-” [l a u g h t e r] This is the best! Look, you see this hard-boiled egg? BAM one chop. Ya add the pickle! Ya add the onion! “And you’re gonna love this. You don’t have time to make breakfast. Breakfast to go.”
(Jack: I’m gettin-) “𝐘 𝐨 𝐮 ‘ 𝐫 𝐞 𝐠 𝐨 𝐧 𝐧 𝐚 𝐥 𝐨 𝐯 𝐞 𝐦 𝐲 𝐧 𝐮 𝐭 𝐬” *L a u g h * VINCE! NO! How am I gonna love your nuts?! Vince! You can’t do this to me man “You’re gonna love my nuts. Watch this. Almonds, walnuts comes with a cover so you can do everything in the cover, alright? Or you can do any board whatever you like. So easy! One finger I could do one finger; you guys could do with your whole hand. Kids can do it. NO! VINCE! NO! The fuckin’ police are at my door already Jesus Christ.. FBI open up. Oh- man, you’re gonna love my nuts. You can do it with one finger. You can do it under the cover if you want Look! You could do it with one finger, you can do with your whole hand- Even kids can do it! Vince: You know, they charge you at the ice cream stores a dollar for toppings at the ice cream stores.(Jack: This is- this is..) (-madness) you can make it for 10 cents. Stop throwing your money away! You know, not only nuts. What about fruits? Put a mango.. (Jack: This..Is..) i fucking lovE THIS VIDEO Isn’t that- Isn’t that just wonderful? (I have no idea what he’s saying at this point.) He is..𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠
the shit out of food And he’s got a great fucking attitude to boot. Vince: It’s so easy to clean. One! Two and pops open like that like a butterfly to clean Now these other ones that you see in the stores bacteria gets into food, all the stores have this, you can’t clean it! You can’t open this up! It’s worthless! Forget about it! *BOOM* (Jack: VINCE!) Now take the Slap Chop– (Jack: YOU ARE CHAOS INCARNATE!) Here’s the garlic with the skin. There you go. This skins the garlic. You’re gonna eat more garlic Jack: I fucking love my 𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐜 Vince and if I had something to just.. 𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐩 the ass of every food I have- I legitimately want this product. This looks like the greatest thing ever. I want to go in and absolutely abuse the food that’s in my kitchen Just beat the everliving shit out of them real cathartic Vince: All right. This is making you cry making me cry life’s hard enough as it is. You don’t wanna cry anymore Jack: You know what Vince you’re fuckin dead right life is very very hard for me.. Life is very hard for me because I don’t have a Slap Chop yet All I got is EZ butter and a Bacon Wave and a health problem. Vince: The skin’s at the bottom. Ay look- you want a little bit of onions, you don’t want to drag out the food processor. The skin, comes right off. You see that? All right, now put a tomato in there. Add your cilantro, your hot peppers right there… You hit it like this. Guys, we’re gonna make America skinny again… One slap at a time. We’re gonna make America skinny again- one fucking slap at a time… Anybody can do it; under the cover, one finger, full hand- even kids can do it! ‘s easy, you just gotta- one hand and chop *giggles* Please tell me you did not pay that lady for this.. ‘s easy, you just got.. one hand and chop..haha.. We’re gonna give you the Graty; for cheese. Hold the fucking phone with my GoJo Vince Are you- Sorry, I’ll email you back right now, one Mississippi. Are you telling me that there’s a second product? That’s just as abusive, but just as amazing as the Slap Chop that you haven’t shown me yet? Show me this, Vince! Show it to me! Comes with a twister and watch this; tacos fred-a-cheenie, linguini, martini, bikini I’m making up words. Birds, furds..Lurds. The Slap Chop sells for $29.95, but if you call now within the next 20 minutes ’cause you know we can’t do this all day. (Jack: No-) Vince: You’re gonna get the Graty, absolutely free. So that’s 2 for $29.95. The Slap Chop with the Graty- Vince, I’m scared about this now because This was uploaded in 2010. So I think my 20-minute window has passed.. Call 1-800-574-8366 That is not the number that’s at the bottom of the screen. You know when people often wonder what the meaning of life is and they often go like “When I get to the pearly gates, I’m gonna ask God, ‘What was it all about?’ You don’t need to. Here is the answer. Okay, Vince is God. And Vince has a Slap Chop and that is the solution to all of life’s problems You’re gonna be in a great mood all day because you’re gonna be slapping your troubles away with a Slap Chop- You know what? He was not wrong. I am in a fantastic mood right now because that is one of the greatest products that I’ve ever seen here on Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos. You know, here on Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos We’re supposed to be all about the memes and the jokes and the- L A U G H S But Vince here has shown me a new life Vince here has shown me that, yes, It can be more than that. Some of these products that we have seen are actually really fucking cool. I am literally gonna order a Slap Chop if I can. Infomercial: *BOOM* The fabric (Jack: JESUS) of this bulletproof- Jack: FUCKing chRIST is so strong, it can stop a speeding bullet! And this biaxial braid fabric is so strong, we decided to build a hose out of it. Richard, Richard. May I call you Dick? Because you just acted like one. (roasted) You can’t start off a video with a fucking gunshot! I thought it was gonna die. *WHAPOOSH* What did he even say? Jack: Lord Almighty… Dick: …fabric in this bulletproof vest is so strong, it could stop a speeding bullet. Jack: Okay. Dick: And this biaxial braid fabric is so strong, we decided to build a HOSE out of it. Jack: No. Way. Dick: Here it is, …the brand-new pocket hose brass bullet. This new exclusive biaxial braid outer sleeve- Jack: Did the brass bullet biaxial… braided bubbly bitch of a hose. I think Richard- I meant- Dick. Sorry. I think he just likes alliteration at this point. Dick: No seams to tear or burst, BUT so incredibly strong, it can stop these trucks dead in their tracks! Jack: Then why are we making HOSES out of it? Dick: and the re-engineered thicker inner tube is our toughest yet! Just turn on the water and watch the brass bullet inflate, and Jack: It’s aLIVE! Dick: -expand into a full sized super hose! (Jack: RICHARD!) Dick: a full size three-quarter inch diameter gives you a powerful stream, then when you’re done- Jack: Ohhhh yeaaah Dick: -turn off the water and it shrinks back down to a lightweight pocket hose Look at that. It’s squeezing itself dry. Starting to sound a lot like a penis. Okay, it gets bigger when it gets engorged… It gets a good big three quarter inch steady stream and when it’s done Using up all its liquids and it just shrinks back down, fits right in your pocket. Dick: No winding, no coiling, [Jack laughs again] Dick: -no muddy wet messes. This new brass bullet hose- (Jack: Jesus.) -will never tangle or kink. Never. No matter how hard you try, and- look, I’m- -I’m like, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 trying. [Jack laughs] Dick: it comes with two frayed solid brass connectors JEsus Christ, why don’t we just make, like, army bunkers out of this? Why don’t we just make nuclear bomb shelters out of these fuckin brass bullet big baby back rib boys That’s amazing! Also- he was 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 trying, you can tell that, like- You could tell when the facade ended. You can tell when he was just like “I’m not even acting anymore. I’ve been paid to say the rest of it. But seriously, I’m 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 fucking trying.” Dick: -No matter how hard you try, and look, I’m- I’m, like, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 trying. Jack: Aww “I’m like… I’m like, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 trying here, guys.” Kay, Richard, maybe you’re just weak. Okay, ’cause you’re not made out of brass bullet biaxial braid baby back boys. Dick: And the no kink connector protectors that help eliminate leaks! The no kink connector protector. That’s what we need on the Internet. Okay, far too many kinks out there All right, people are, people are, uh, into the daddy kink. People are into the whips and chains kink. People are into the vore kink. People are into all these types of kinks, You know what we need? We need- ᵂʰᵃᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˡˡᵉᵈ ᵃᵍᵃᶦⁿˀ Dick: The no kink connector protector! -the NO KINK connector protector. That’s what I need on my computer, to save me from the dirty filth of the Internet. I need my modem to plug into a no kink connector protector. So I can surf the web in peace, and just look at memes about dogs. Dick: Here’s your 50 foot hose, and here’s our 50 foot brass bullet. So, toss out that dirty old beast- (Jack: NICE) and buy a bullet! Richard, it started off the video with a gun firing and- Ohh, it’s a bullet, I get it. What makes this a pocket hose? I haven’t- it’s called a pocket hose, and I haven’t seen a single person putting it in their pocket yet. I want to see this hose in a pocket. Okay, and then I want to see somebody turn it on and watch their pants inflate. [giggles] Be like, “I’m not just happy to see you. I have a… brass bullet biaxial braid in my pocket. Yeah, you understand, right?” Infomercial: By Super Tank, a proud Canadian company! Jack: Well, now you KNOW it’s not gonna work. If it’s coming from Canada, you know it’s all bullshit. You know, it’s all fun and games on this show. At Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos. [single person clapping] Yes. Thank you. Thank you! BUT, there are some products that I have seen in these last few episodes that I legitimately think would be good. Like, that hose actually looks very useful and that, that Slap Chop Not only cause Vince is the greatest salesman on earth and he would be able to fucking- he’d be able to sell water to a drowning man, but I legitimately just want the Slap Chop because I’m so sick of chopping stuff up myself. I want something else to do it. I wanna be able to be in the kitchen and when you walk past the door, All you hear is like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. “What the fuck is he doing?” “He’s just slapping, bro.” “He’s slapping the ass of that food.” But, that’s gonna do it for this episode of Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos I hope you had a lot of fun and I hope you had a lot of- [slapp] L A A A A U G H Let’s see what my little elves come back with next week. Let’s see if it’s going to be more products, or if there’s any funny videos that you guys have seen all around the Internet, please submit them to: Me. but I’m gonna leave you guys here, and don’t forget to go out there and drink your straight fuckin’ water. Good night, everybody! *outro music* I’m immediately going online to buy a Slap Chop.