This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch


A few years ago, I got one of those spam emails. And it managed
to get through my spam filter. I’m not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox, and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh. (Laughter) I know. (Laughter) It went like this: it said, “Hello James Veitch, I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon.” Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right? I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this. Or I could do what I think
we’ve all always wanted to do. (Laughter) And I said, “Solomon,
Your email intrigues me.” (Laughter) (Applause) And the game was afoot. He said, “Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you.” (Laughter) “You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes.” (Laughter) So I knew I was dealing
with a professional. (Laughter) I said, “How much is it worth?” He said, “We will start
with smaller quantity,” — I was like, aww — and then he said, “of 25 kgs. (Laughter) The worth should be about $2.5 million.” I said, “Solomon, if we’re
going to do it, let’s go big. (Applause) I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?” (Laughter) He said, “It is not a matter
of how much gold I have, what matters is
your capability of handling. We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment.” I said, “50 kgs? There’s no point doing this at all unless you’re shipping
at least a metric ton.” (Laughter) (Applause) He said, “What do you do for a living?” (Laughter) I said, “I’m a hedge fund
executive bank manager.” (Laughter) This isn’t the first time
I’ve shipped bullion, my friend, no no no. Then I started to panic. I was like, “Where are you based?” I don’t know about you, but I think if we’re going
via the postal service, it ought to be signed for. That’s a lot of gold.” He said, “It will not be easy
to convince my company to do larger quantity shipment.” I said, “Solomon, I’m completely
with you on this one. I’m putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting. Hold tight.” (Laughter) This is what I sent Solomon. (Laughter) (Applause) I don’t know if we have
any statisticians in the house, but there’s definitely something going on. (Laughter) I said, “Solomon, attached to this email
you’ll find a helpful chart. I’ve had one of my assistants
run the numbers. (Laughter) We’re ready for shipping
as much gold as possible.” There’s always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings, and this was it for Solomon. He said, “I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well, because I’m going to get
a very good commission as well.” And I said, “That’s amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?” And he said, “On RealEstate,
what about you?” I thought about it for a long time. And I said, “One word; Hummus.” (Laughter) “It’s going places. (Laughter) I was in Sainsbury’s the other day and there were like
30 different varieties. Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them. Have you ever done that, Solomon?” (Laughter) He said, “I have to go bed now.” (Laughter) (Applause) “Till morrow. Have sweet dream.” I didn’t know what to say! I said, “Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir.” (Laughter) Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks, albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life, but I had to knock it on the head. It was getting a bit out of hand. Friends were saying, “James,
do you want to come for a drink?” I was like, “I can’t, I’m expecting
an email about some gold.” So I figured I had
to knock it on the head. I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion. So I concocted a plan. I said, “Solomon,
I’m concerned about security. When we email each other, we need to use a code.” And he agreed. (Laughter) I said, “Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code we need to use
in all further correspondence: Lawyer: Gummy Bear. Bank: Cream Egg. Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms. Documents: Jelly Beans. Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard.” (Laughter) I knew these were all words
they use, right? I said, “Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence.” (Laughter) I didn’t hear back.
I thought, I’ve gone too far. I’ve gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little. I said, “Solomon, Is the deal still on? KitKat.” (Laughter) Because you have to be consistent. Then I did get an email back from him. He said, “The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah …” I said, “Dude, you have to use the code!” What followed is the greatest email
I’ve ever received. (Laughter) I’m not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox. This was a good day. “The business is on. I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear — (Laughter) so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans to the Creme Egg, for the Peanut M&Ms process to start. (Laughter) Send 1,500 pounds via a Giant Gummy Lizard.” (Applause) And that was so much fun, right, that it got me thinking: like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could replying to as many
scam emails as I could? And that’s what I’ve been doing for three years on your behalf. (Laughter) (Applause) Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails. It’s really difficult, and I highly recommend we do it. I don’t think what I’m doing is mean. There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers. All I’m doing is wasting their time. And I think any time
they’re spending with me is time they’re not spending
scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings, right? And if you’re going to do this —
and I highly recommend you do — get yourself a pseudonymous email address. Don’t use your own email address. That’s what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare. I’d wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails about penis enlargements, only one of which
was a legitimate response — (Laughter) to a medical question I had. But I’ll tell you what, though, guys, I’ll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day if you receive an email
that begins like this: (Laughter) “I AM WINNIE MANDELA, THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT.” I was like, oh! — that Winnie Mandela. (Laughter) I know so many. “I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA’S HEALTH CONDITION.” Let that sink in. She sent me this, which is hysterical. (Laughter) And this. And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization. But to be honest, if there’s nothing
written on it, it’s just a shape! (Laughter) I said, “Winnie,
I’m really sorry to hear of this. Given that Nelson died three months ago, I’d describe his health condition
as fairly serious.” (Laughter) That’s the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive. She said, “KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS. ONE LOVE.” (Laughter) I said, “Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY.” (Laughter) (Applause) She said, “MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE.” (Laughter) I said, “no problemo. I SHOT THE SHERIFF.” [ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ] (Laughter) Thank you. (Applause)

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100 thoughts on “This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch

  1. poor me once I am the victim for this type of scam…..after that, I saved a lot of others not to get into that trap

  2. I thought you actually will tell them SERIOUS staff: Like for example if you reply they will find your IP ADDRESS!!!! and then can launch an attack!!!

    Instead, you are doing a TED stupid space for thiss????? I thought TED was serious!!!! :))))))))))))))

  3. "I'm waiting for an email about some gold" sounds like the scam email version of "I've gotta see a man about a horse."

  4. I have a brother that speaks 13+ languages. He speaks Urdu fluently. It’s funny to watch him heckle the call scammers like Microsoft and the IRS. He gets those guys into fits of rage sometimes. So funny.

  5. When you scam someone named James Veitch and they're interested in your business
    You know you're about to get hummus'd

  6. He's obviously never watched a sketch on BBC TV on a show called Famalam. The joke sees the 'Nigerian Prince crying to his wife that no one has answered his email and he has too much gold, money etc. It is very funny to see the 'prince lying on a fur bed and he's all decked out in gold clothing, while his wife reassuringly soothes his back. The role reversal is very funny and the guys are great.

  7. It looks pretty fake. The chances of James knowing the very words that would be necessary in his next email is highly unlikely. He didn't even add the word gold to the code.

  8. Hackers are real, your smartphone probably knows you more better than you do. It’s knows where you are at all times. It’s knows every persons you talk to, and what’s you’ve said to them, it’s has your family photos and your passwords and more. For attacker’s to hack into and get all information about you if you ever feel or know your device is hacked and used in monitoring all your activities then contact [email protected] to help you on breaking all spyware or any monitoring device planted on your device 📲 and 💻 he’s the professional on it he helped me out when I was traced by bad hackers

  9. Look at the audience… a bunch of soy boys and feminist millennials. They laugh hysterically at the slightest, lame attempt at humor by this 'comedian', himself a ridiculous millennial with little or no appreciable life experience. How could we, as a society, have sunk so low? These might be the end days of western culture.

  10. I once got called by an Asian scammer but my mum grabbed my phone and said, “Ok look, you just called my daughter’s phone. STOP CALLING RANDOM PEOPLE FOR MONEY!!”
    (She actually said that)

  11. Charlie John college and Charlie and Charlie and Charlie John Charlie John Charlie John Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny church Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie sorry sorry sorry sorry Johnny Johnny

  12. ITS FAKE. I can tell its fake because there's no way the scammer immediately needed to say all of the code words in one sentence right after they were established.

  13. I love wasting scammers' time. I wish more of them would call me. Last week I spent 17 minutes on the phone with an Indian dude who was pretending to be from Social Security, trying to get my SSN. It was hilarious. He was threatening to sic the US Marshals on me and everything. I don't have a life so that's the best entertainment I got all week.

  14. Just a couple days ago I replied to a scammer in messenger. They stopped replying 😂 my replies were "Yes, Ok, "

  15. A great day…going to sit through a pompous, bragging TED talk to watch someone teach you how smart they are and getting a comedy routine instead.

  16. My dad came to me all serious one day. He sat me down and said. I have to tell you something.
    I've got $50M on my name.
    me: How?
    him: This motumbo guy from nigeria told me. He requested $5,000 for him to send it.
    me: not in the scene. *cam looks down to me rofl-ing

  17. Why does he says one word and they laugh like the greatest joke ever, I mean it's funny but what's with the overacting lsugh..

  18. Sorry think its click bait. Use of fear factor.
    Not a troll just tired of the cowards who just pay when they know they should not.
    Microsoft and major corp in this world need to be responsible for there own products being sold to citizens around the world. If they are not ready to be sold to the general public then they should't' sell it on the market. They give petty excuses to make the buyer feel they are the cause and most of you just accepted it. Nothing can deviate from bursting that safe bubble. Now they all installed companies like life lock to make you pay them twice. Amazing. How does it feel to get it from both ends people? Do your own research its all out there right now. Until someone doesn't want it to be. Are you sheep, lemming or wolf (Yes talking to you also ladies you demand a say then omg scream already)? Are you a critical thinker or a default AI waiting for its next bark order?

  19. " I Know" I guess that's Caucasian code speak to one another about others. Lost me there, that and his weasley voice.

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