Technology hasn’t changed love. Here’s why | Helen Fisher


I was recently traveling
in the Highlands of New Guinea, and I was talking with a man
who had three wives. I asked him, “How many wives
would you like to have?” And there was this long pause, and I thought to myself, “Is he going to say five? Is he going to say 10? Is he going to say 25?” And he leaned towards me and he whispered, “None.” (Laughter) Eighty-six percent of human societies
permit a man to have several wives: polygyny. But in the vast majority
of these cultures, only about five or ten percent of men
actually do have several wives. Having several partners
can be a toothache. In fact, co-wives can
fight with each other, sometimes they can even poison
each other’s children. And you’ve got to have
a lot of cows, a lot of goats, a lot of money, a lot of land, in order to build a harem. We are a pair-bonding species. Ninety-seven percent of mammals
do not pair up to rear their young; human beings do. I’m not suggesting that we’re not — that we’re necessarily
sexually faithful to our partners. I’ve looked at adultery in 42 cultures, I understand, actually,
some of the genetics of it, and some of the brain circuitry of it. It’s very common around the world, but we are built to love. How is technology changing love? I’m going to say almost not at all. I study the brain. I and my colleagues have put
over 100 people into a brain scanner — people who had just
fallen happily in love, people who had just been rejected in love and people who are in love long-term. And it is possible
to remain “in love” long-term. And I’ve long ago maintained that we’ve evolved three distinctly
different brain systems for mating and reproduction: sex drive, feelings of intense romantic love and feelings of deep cosmic
attachment to a long-term partner. And together, these three brain systems — with many other parts of the brain — orchestrate our sexual,
our romantic and our family lives. But they lie way below the cortex, way below the limbic system
where we feel our emotions, generate our emotions. They lie in the most primitive parts
of the brain, linked with energy, focus, craving, motivation,
wanting and drive. In this case, the drive to win life’s greatest prize: a mating partner. They evolved over 4.4 million years ago
among our first ancestors, and they’re not going to change
if you swipe left or right on Tinder. (Laughter) (Applause) There’s no question that technology
is changing the way we court: emailing, texting, emojis to express your emotions, sexting, “liking” a photograph, selfies … We’re seeing new rules
and taboos for how to court. But, you know — is this actually
dramatically changing love? What about the late 1940s, when the automobile became very popular and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms? (Laughter) How about the introduction
of the birth control pill? Unchained from the great threat
of pregnancy and social ruin, women could finally express
their primitive and primal sexuality. Even dating sites are not changing love. I’m Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com, I’ve been it for 11 years. I keep telling them
and they agree with me, that these are not dating sites, they are introducing sites. When you sit down in a bar, in a coffee house, on a park bench, your ancient brain snaps into action
like a sleeping cat awakened, and you smile and laugh and listen and parade the way our ancestors
did 100,000 years ago. We can give you various people — all the dating sites can — but the only real algorithm
is your own human brain. Technology is not going to change that. Technology is also not going to change
who you choose to love. I study the biology of personality, and I’ve come to believe that we’ve evolved four very broad
styles of thinking and behaving, linked with the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen systems. So I created a questionnaire
directly from brain science to measure the degree to which
you express the traits — the constellation of traits — linked with each
of these four brain systems. I then put that questionnaire
on various dating sites in 40 countries. Fourteen million or more people
have now taken the questionnaire, and I’ve been able to watch
who’s naturally drawn to whom. And as it turns out, those who were very expressive
of the dopamine system tend to be curious, creative,
spontaneous, energetic — I would imagine there’s an awful lot
of people like that in this room — they’re drawn to people like themselves. Curious, creative people
need people like themselves. People who are very expressive
of the serotonin system tend to be traditional, conventional,
they follow the rules, they respect authority, they tend to be religious — religiosity
is in the serotonin system — and traditional people
go for traditional people. In that way, similarity attracts. In the other two cases, opposites attract. People very expressive
of the testosterone system tend to be analytical,
logical, direct, decisive, and they go for their opposite: they go for somebody who’s high estrogen, somebody who’s got very good verbal skills and people skills, who’s very intuitive and who’s very nurturing
and emotionally expressive. We have natural patterns of mate choice. Modern technology is not going
to change who we choose to love. But technology is producing
one modern trend that I find particularly important. It’s associated with the concept
of paradox of choice. For millions of years, we lived in little hunting
and gathering groups. You didn’t have the opportunity to choose between 1,000 people on a dating site. In fact, I’ve been studying this recently, and I actually think there’s some
sort of sweet spot in the brain; I don’t know what it is, but apparently,
from reading a lot of the data, we can embrace about five
to nine alternatives, and after that, you get into what academics
call “cognitive overload,” and you don’t choose any. So I’ve come to think that due
to this cognitive overload, we’re ushering in a new form of courtship that I call “slow love.” I arrived at this during
my work with Match.com. Every year for the last six years, we’ve done a study called
“Singles in America.” We don’t poll the Match population, we poll the American population. We use 5,000-plus people, a representative sample of Americans
based on the US census. We’ve got data now on over 30,000 people, and every single year, I see some of the same patterns. Every single year when I ask the question, over 50 percent of people
have had a one-night stand — not necessarily last year,
but in their lives — 50 percent have had
a friends with benefits during the course of their lives, and over 50 percent have lived
with a person long-term before marrying. Americans think that this is reckless. I have doubted that for a long time; the patterns are too strong. There’s got to be some
Darwinian explanation — Not that many people are crazy. And I stumbled, then, on a statistic
that really came home to me. It was a very interesting academic article in which I found that 67 percent
of singles in America today who are living long-term with somebody, have not yet married because
they are terrified of divorce. They’re terrified of the social, legal, emotional, economic consequences of divorce. So I came to realize that I don’t think
this is recklessness; I think it’s caution. Today’s singles want to know
every single thing about a partner before they wed. You learn a lot between the sheets, not only about how somebody makes love, but whether they’re kind, whether they can listen and at my age, whether they’ve got a sense of humor. (Laughter) And in an age where we have
too many choices, we have very little fear
of pregnancy and disease and we’ve got no feeling of shame
for sex before marriage, I think people are taking
their time to love. And actually, what’s happening is, what we’re seeing is a real expansion
of the precommitment stage before you tie the knot. Where marriage used to be
the beginning of a relationship, now it’s the finale. But the human brain — (Laughter) The human brain always triumphs, and indeed, in the United States today, 86 percent of Americans
will marry by age 49. And even in cultures around the world
where they’re not marrying as often, they are settling down eventually
with a long-term partner. So it began to occur to me: during this long extension
of the precommitment stage, if you can get rid of bad
relationships before you marry, maybe we’re going to see
more happy marriages. So I did a study of 1,100
married people in America — not on Match.com, of course — and I asked them a lot of questions. But one of the questions was, “Would you re-marry the person
you’re currently married to?” And 81 percent said, “Yes.” In fact, the greatest change
in modern romance and family life is not technology. It’s not even slow love. It’s actually women
piling into the job market in cultures around the world. For millions of years, our ancestors lived
in little hunting and gathering groups. Women commuted to work
to gather their fruits and vegetables. They came home with 60 to 80
percent of the evening meal. The double-income family was the rule. And women were regarded
as just as economically, socially and sexually powerful as men. Then the environment changed
some 10,000 years ago, we began to settle down on the farm and both men and women
became obliged, really, to marry the right person, from the right background, from the right religion and from the right kin
and social and political connections. Men’s jobs became more important: they had to move the rocks,
fell the trees, plow the land. They brought the produce
to local markets, and came home with the equivalent of money. Along with this, we see a rise of a host of beliefs: the belief of virginity at marriage, arranged marriages —
strictly arranged marriages — the belief that the man
is the head of the household, that the wife’s place is in the home and most important, honor thy husband,
and ’til death do us part. These are gone. They are going, and in many places, they are gone. We are right now in a marriage revolution. We are shedding 10,000 years
of our farming tradition and moving forward towards egalitarian
relationships between the sexes — something I regard as highly compatible
with the ancient human spirit. I’m not a Pollyanna; there’s a great deal to cry about. I’ve studied divorce in 80 cultures, I’ve studied, as I say,
adultery in many — there’s a whole pile of problems. As William Butler Yeats,
the poet, once said, “Love is the crooked thing.” I would add, “Nobody gets out alive.” (Laughter) We all have problems. But in fact, I think the poet
Randall Jarrell really sums it up best. He said, “The dark, uneasy world
of family life — where the greatest can fail,
and the humblest succeed.” But I will leave you with this: love and attachment will prevail, technology cannot change it. And I will conclude by saying any understanding of human relationships
must take into account one the most powerful determinants
of human behavior: the unquenchable, adaptable and primordial human drive to love. Thank you. (Applause) Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you
so much for that, Helen. As you know, there’s another
speaker here with us that works in your same field. She comes at it
from a different perspective. Esther Perel is a psychotherapist
who works with couples. You study data, Esther studies the stories
the couples tell her when they come to her for help. Let’s have her join us on the stage. Esther? (Applause) So Esther, when you were watching Helen’s talk, was there any part of it that resonated with you
through the lens of your own work that you’d like to comment on? Esther Perel: It’s interesting,
because on the one hand, the need for love
is ubiquitous and universal. But the way we love — the meaning we make out of it — the rules that govern
our relationships, I think, are changing fundamentally. We come from a model that, until now, was primarily regulated
around duty and obligation, the needs of the collective and loyalty. And we have shifted it to a model of free choice
and individual rights, and self-fulfillment and happiness. And so, that was
the first thing I thought, that the need doesn’t change, but the context and the way
we regulate these relationships changes a lot. On the paradox of choice — you know, on the one hand
we relish the novelty and the playfulness, I think, to be able to have so many options. And at the same time, as you talk about this cognitive overload, I see many, many people who … who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt that comes with this massa of choice, creating a case of “FOMO” and then leading us — FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,
or fear of missing out — it’s like, “How do I know
I have found ‘the one’ — the right one?” So we’ve created what I call
this thing of “stable ambiguity.” Stable ambiguity is when
you are too afraid to be alone but also not really willing
to engage in intimacy-building. It’s a set of tactics that kind of prolong
the uncertainty of a relationship but also the uncertainty of the breakup. So, here on the internet
you have three major ones. One is icing and simmering, which are great stalling tactics that offer a kind of holding pattern that emphasizes the undefined
nature of a relationship but at the same time gives you
enough of a comforting consistency and enough freedom
of the undefined boundaries. (Laughter) Yeah? And then comes ghosting. And ghosting is, basically, you disappear from this massa
of texts on the spot, and you don’t have to deal with
the pain that you inflict on another, because you’re making it
invisible even to yourself. (Laughter) Yeah? So I was thinking — these words came up
for me as I was listening to you, like how a vocabulary
also creates a reality, and at the same time, that’s my question to you: Do you think when the context changes, it still means that the nature
of love remains the same? You study the brain and I study
people’s relationships and stories, so I think it’s everything you say, plus. But I don’t always know the degree
to which a changing context … Does it at some point begin to change — If the meaning changes,
does it change the need, or is the need clear
of the entire context? HF: Wow! Well — (Laughter) (Applause) Well, I’ve got three points here, right? First of all, to your first one: there’s no question that we’ve changed,
that we now want a person to love, and for thousands of years,
we had to marry the right person from the right background
and right kin connection. And in fact, in my studies
of 5,000 people every year, I ask them, “What are you looking for?” And every single year,
over 97 percent say — EP: The list grows — HF: Well, no. The basic thing is
over 97 percent of people want somebody that respects them, somebody they can trust and confide in, somebody who makes them laugh, somebody who makes enough time for them and somebody who they find
physically attractive. That never changes. And there’s certainly — you know,
there’s two parts — EP: But you know how I call that? That’s not what people used to say — HF: That’s exactly right. EP: They said they wanted somebody
with whom they have companionship, economic support, children. We went from a production economy
to a service economy. (Laughter) We did it in the larger culture,
and we’re doing it in marriage. HF: Right, no question about it. But it’s interesting, the millennials
actually want to be very good parents, whereas the generation above them
wants to have a very fine marriage but is not as focused
on being a good parent. You see all of these nuances. There’s two basic parts of personality: there’s your culture — everything you
grew up to do and believe and say — and there’s your temperament. Basically, what I’ve been talking
about is your temperament. And that temperament is certainly
going to change with changing times and changing beliefs. And in terms of the paradox of choice, there’s no question about it
that this is a pickle. There were millions of years
where you found that sweet boy at the other side of the water hole, and you went for it. EP: Yes, but you — HF: I do want to say one more thing. The bottom line is, in hunting
and gathering societies, they tended to have two or three partners
during the course of their lives. They weren’t square! And I’m not suggesting that we do, but the bottom line is,
we’ve always had alternatives. Mankind is always — in fact, the brain is well-built
to what we call “equilibrate,” to try and decide: Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay? What are the opportunities here? How do I handle this there? And so I think we’re seeing
another play-out of that now. KS: Well, thank you both so much. I think you’re going to have
a million dinner partners for tonight! (Applause) Thank you, thank you.

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85 thoughts on “Technology hasn’t changed love. Here’s why | Helen Fisher

  1. I like how you just state that we are a partner-based species without providing any data as to why. Most of human history we did not mate with a singular partner. And your little anecdotal discussion with the polygamist even goes against your own narrative, he said he'd rather have no wife, not one.

  2. Well, it's true that no one can change Love because it's not something that you have invented but it's something you were born with. But technology can change the way we love and see each other without changing the value of Love. So yes, the penetration of technology can influence the Love in various ways and we are all aware of it

  3. We are not a pair-bonding species. We are a competitive one.
    She even said the man who had multiple wives said he wanted none.

  4. I dont think technology has changed the way we love… but it surely changed the way we choose our partners and lets be honest, people in general are more open minded now, Society has became more open minded, so its a lot easier know new people and have relations with them. But once you love someone, i do belive, its the same kind of love that our grand parents had/have!

  5. Gotta love it when people watch an articulate and well researched TED talk culminating years of work by a highly accomplished person and then leave a comment saying, "Nah that's bollocks", without any sort of reasoning.

  6. Little substance in this talk.A lot of insencere little details that seem she was incapable or just unable to actually make a convincing argument about love not changing.Science buzzwords and nothing deeper.

  7. Three women on stage at the same time.
    That sound your hear is 7-year-old boy trolls heads exploding as they watch the end of this video.

  8. The primary purpose of love and marriage is the propagation of the species. The happiness of the couple is secondary. It is the marriage industry that is causing confusion.

  9. All i heard from the other lady is "rights, freedom, experiment, me me me, serve me"
    As if duty in marriage was an outdated concept…
    Careful ladies, obligation and lack of duty goes both ways you can be easily kicked into the curb for someone younger

  10. Yeah, it's not technology that's changing love. It's the stigmatization of gender norms, the rape culture narrative, the "women need men like a fish needs a bicycle" sentiment, the complete lack of benefit men receive from marriage, hypergamy, and men opting out of romance and society in general. That's what is "changing" love. And by "changing," I mean destroying.

  11. Technology it's just another way to meet, to interact (like right now). Love doesn't change for it.
    Love change because we change and it's different in anyone.

  12. So dopamine people need their own kind, the spontaneous kind. While also the serotonin kind are traditional and need their own kind, its obvious they're the religious type. But the other two types, the testosterone and estrogen are attracted to each other. That's fascinating.

  13. technology doesn't change love, but feminism does. that's where people get confused. "Honor thy husband" is GONE. haha. Appropriate.

  14. love cant be changed? you all should look at what the ancient romans, greeks, and egyptians believed. What we call love is a middle ages construct by the church to rid europe of so called paganism. I realize the speaker here is trying to explain love, but she confuses the biological function of pair bonding with someones opinion of another

  15. there are still a lot of snobs who need to marry someone from the same background to get approval from mommy n daddy

  16. tl;dr: Don't do drugs

    >How many wives would you like to have? "None."
    Imagine a future where it is obsolete to have marriage partners or to marry.(period) Her study shows that people are coming to the realization that humans no longer need to be restricted or confined by marriage and simply that marriage has very little to do with love. Marriage as a representation of love is obsolete and people who think marrying means you love each other are naive. Technology hasn't changed love yet, but with telepathy, robotics, A.I, Vr, and many other promising things on the horizon it is only a matter of time. Technology will redefine love as we know it. In my opinion she wasted too much time talking about marriage (and for some reason felt the need to downplay technology's influence on love while relying on things like brain scans) instead of showing how despite technology's advancements love is still stagnated or even regressing. The slow-love she talks about is the byproduct of humans realizing they need a new way to ascertain true love and technology is more than likely the path to it. Marriage is obsolete, the old way of baby making is obsolete, our definition of love is crooked and needs to be reformed and restrengthened. The coming of DNA modding, telepathy, cloning, and all things technology will truly test and redefine our definitions of love and will show whether we humans have actually just been abusing our right to love or that love truly prevails all.

  17. That was a very cool video. I am sharing it so other will get to see that a sketchbook can so help them work towards better ideas

  18. Technology (mobile phones, facebook, instagramm, etc…) already changed everything. Most of the woman brain are f.cked up. Example, I don't have facebook. Because of that, I almost everytime rejected in the clubs. They asking Your facebook, and if You say, You don't have? They think You are a wifecheater, ooor worth… "Everybody have! You are strange!" Etc… Thank You technology 🙂

  19. Sad that world is going towards egoistic love, when point of loving someone and living with someone becomes to be about self enjoyment

  20. As I was going to St Ives
    I met a man with seven wives
    Every wife had seven sacks
    Every sack had seven cats
    Every cat had seven kittens
    Kittens, cats, sacks, wives
    How many were going to St Ives?

  21. World is becoming a global village, this can be seen in the popularity of neo-shamanism, global integration and connectivity.

  22. sometimes the strictest of technologists actually rear the fiercest romantic arguments and gestures forward…:)

  23. I never saw anyone saying that it did… Pointless Talk.
    I just want an advance cybernetic playmate, is that too much to ask?

  24. 10:40 but for muslims still this is a thing, and they are not gonna change so soon, at least in the majority of muslim countries.

  25. peace is a temporary phenomenon unless the last religious book is burned. if massive killings is a legacy we want to leave then let it be. hopefully future generations will look at modern us in disguise for all our vigorous preaching of god of the right and wrong of all the bsh we are accustomed to believe in. let's hope for the brighter future

  26. I think love in its nature is hard to explain and describe. I'm almost sure you can make an argument on how technology has changed love. Changed it for the worse or changed it for the good. Introducing "yourself" to a potential mate is crucial to falling in love. Technology has made it more accessible to meet a potential partner.

  27. Esther's commentary was in some ways, redundant to what Helen was saying, even though her tone sounded as if she were disagreeing and that what she was saying was somehow different. Dr. Fisher was looking at this from a very broad perspective, which is something Esther ironically encourages people to do often. Perel was looking at it from a narrow, hyper current perspective, and clearly expressed her profound need to show off newly attained millennial jargon. Both women are brilliant experts in their fields, and I wish Helen would have just simply had her talk. Rather than bring up someone at the end, perhaps TED could do a roundtable discussion video series. Those would be way cooler, than seeing something like this, with no real time for both women to dive deeper or explain themselves fully.

  28. Look at this woman hating garbage.

    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/6px01x/why_does_a_high_female_ncount_damage_pair_bonding/

  29. Technology. Is way too advanced than it used to be I remember when I didn't have a phone it's funny how much people take advantage of it

  30. I don't even have to be married at this point I prefer just being in love I like women not teens as far as relationship goes but p*** is p***

  31. Ohhh — I dont quite get the point of the question.. was Elena asking if the NEED FOR LOVE is dependent on CONTEXT? Or was she asking about what LOVE'S TRUE CONTEXT should be to qualify it as a need? Wahh 😳😳😅🤪 Interesting thoughts tho from both speakers– i love the way they were able to study and research about something that could be rather elusive…

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