HP Offers ‘That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About’

Scott McKay: Hewlett Packard is known
for their basic, affordable, no frills computers but that doesn’t mean they can’t
keep up with the latest technology. In a press release yesterday HP said “We
are excited to begin offering that cloud thing that everyone is talking about.
We definitely have the cloud on our computers and it is better
than anyone else’s cloud.” Earlier today I sat down with HP’s spokesman
Gary Klinman who said the company couldn’t wait to show people
“How they do their cloud stuff.” Gary Klinman: We are absolutely thrilled
that now people with computers or phones, both, will now be able to back things
up to the cloud and that’s definitely something that people do and they
will be doing it with HP. Scott McKay: HP is making their
cloud technology the centerpiece of a major new print and television ad campaign.
Male Speaker: HP is the company I’ve always relied on so when I decided to get
on my computer on the cloud which is how you do it naturally HP was the company I chose.
HP’s cloud is the perfect tool for emails, Facebook, texting, and CD ROMs.
How does the cloud work? It’s so simple and intuitive I don’t need
to waste your time explaining it. Scott McKay: Klinman says it isn’t
surprising they’re “up on the cloud” considering they’re on the cutting edge
of all the latest tech trends. Now are there any additional features?
Gary Klinman: Cloud sourcing is something we are having.
Cloud sourcing 2.0 – we have social sharing, we have 4G, 5G,
6G, really all the Gs. We have app, we have all of it in the computer.
Scott McKay: Despite all of their wide array of technology HP says they’re
most excited about the cloud. They even let me take a peek at their
design laboratory where HP engineers were trying out some unique development techniques.
So how much capacity will HP’s cloud users have access to? Male
Speaker: One thousand. Scott McKay: We’ll be watching to
see if HP’s cloud push pays off. Make sure to catch he next Tech Trends
when we’ll be looking at Body Dew, the popular new device that links with
your iPhone to post all of your bodily functions right to Facebook.

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100 thoughts on “HP Offers ‘That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About’

  1. I once got trolled by the Onion because one of their articles was published in a non-satirical magazine and I was kinda mad when the disclaimer was given in small letters at the bottom of the page

  2. looking back, it seems that the way HP pretends to know about cloud sounds a lot like the way donald trump (idiot) talking about things he doesnt know anything about

  3. “Tried to poop but couldn’t, then drank 10 ounces of water, and pooped a little bit”

    Jesus this Cloud has it all!

  4. seriously , from a tech dummy here , is the cloud mainly for profit servers or peer to peer storage on other cloud members hard drives and servers ? or something else too ?

  5. This is about my level of understanding of computer stuff. I've never used a 'cloud' I just email things to myself or stick them on a hard-drive.

  6. Just look at the TV with the HP spokesman and how the image doesn't even fit the screen, fuck the attention to detail is insane

  7. Archaic, looking back. My 10G intrawebs have millions of clouds, each with their own download number and uninterruptable porn supply.

  8. As a former employee of this company, it's startlingly accurate. Just substitute VR or AI for Cloud and you have the current state of the company. Instead of working on wireless VR headset technology, HP has doubled down on "wear a computer (that's bigger than a laptop) on your back and lug around extra batteries and a wired headset to get 30 minutes of unencumbered VR. (Think really large book, like an atlas with wires).

    The company lost whatever innovators it had when "The HP way" hit the highway. Now all they're stuck with is entrenched "outside the box/shift the paradigm" phrase-spewing bureaucrats who are just biding their time until retirement. They're the guys that used to get in the way of the innovators….now they run the place. I've seen brilliant people completely demotivated to "create" because these leeches just steal the credit and give a pittance in return. I met Dave Packard once while working on the now long gone Printed Circuit board line (Yes, HP used to make their own boards, now they have to screen them to make sure that the Chinese companies they buy them from aren't washing them in river water between chemical processes and leaving algae in the boards which cause shorts). He actually stopped by my workplace while he was in town visiting the plant and talked to just about every employee. The guy gave a fuck about the grunts. Now the grunts are lower than expendable assets that can be hired overseas a lot cheaper, with the associated drop in quality, but hey, what do you want? A product that works out of the box and doesn't require translation skills to get tech support?

  9. Oh I can't wait to post all my bodily functions to Facebook. All my friends will be thrilled with what I'm about to go do!

  10. I have moved my social skills to HP Cloud and I can't get them back! Their online support service sucks! Can anyone help?

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